2nd chance?

fyi: this is a personal post which i think all of my readers would be eager to read and find out

First of all, this is NOT easy for me to even write about it.. since i can't keep 'this' as a secret anymore, i have to let the cat out of the bag.. sooner or later, you all will find out and i think it's better you hear it from me instead of taking guesses and such..

Yes, i'm single.. once again.. after 4 years.. it all happened about 8 months ago.. he told me he wanted out from this relationship through skype.. i couldn't believed it.. i was shocked, begged him for another chance, tried to change my ways but it didn't work..

He was determined about it.. he came back to kl and we had a talk about it, and then he went off to work again.. i was left alone here with a 'broken' me.. my heart was shattered, devastated, angry, lost my sense of direction, hurt, betrayed, self pity, lost my appetite to eat and i was suicidal, losing the will to live.. i thought i couldn't live without him.. to me, it was like he took a knife, stabbed it straight to my heart, twisted it and left me bleed to death..

I used to think that he's 'the one'.. i wrote my blog with pride.. and THAT pride killed me.. i got carried away.. with his love back then and the lifestyle he gave me.. to be honest, i wasn't bragging.. not in the way i saw it.. i was just so in love.. he was the love of my life..

I gave him all of me.. but i can't blame him for what happened.. when there's a failed relationship/marriage, it will always be 2 people's fault.. i just want to hate him so much for what he had put me through BUT deep down inside me, i still loved him.. i still remember all the good times we had although it was just for a short while coz after some time, i realize that things started to change.. small changes.. but coz of my love for him was overwhelming, i decided to ignore it.. plus i accepted his explanation..

I didn't tell anyone about this.. keeping it all to myself.. i was 'dying' slowly and painfully.. not even my mum or his family knows.. i put up a happy face when i was back in penang for his grandma's birthday.. i started to change the way i was living.. getting a job, socializing (getting connected back with my friends)

Recently i just moved out.. we went to the lawyer and starting to sort things out.. i won't go into details as it's P & C.. it's an agreement between the 2 of us.. i'm still working as usual, hanging out with friends and started picking up the broken pieces of me.. i'm moving on finally and i'm thankful with all the support my friends and family have been giving me..as for my heart, he has completely shattered it.. day by day, i've been trying to mend it..

I know there will be alot of criticism about me and that it's my karma.. i'm not denying it, probably it is.. BUT tell me honestly, do i REALLY deserve all this pain? what have i done? did i get anyone hurt? did i kill anyone? yes, i had my pride.. i made mistakes.. i admit that.. in a way, i'm glad that all these happened.. coz it made me realize that money doesn't buy happiness.. i was covering my pain and sadness with all that shopping i did.. but at the end, i was still unhappy.. just like how you get drunk with alcohol but at the end of the day, the problem/issue still exist..

Lastly, i've learnt my lessons.. i must admit that i made mistakes and don't you think i deserve a second chance? a chance to be a better and stronger person.. i'm sure some of you are laughing your asses off.. thinking that i deserve all this as it's my karma.. but think about it, if you are laughing me right now, don't you think you'll get your karma back too? all i'm asking is to cut me some slack and i'd really appreciate it..

Thank you