Thursday, February 24, 2011

2nd chance?

fyi: this is a personal post which i think all of my readers would be eager to read and find out

First of all, this is NOT easy for me to even write about it.. since i can't keep 'this' as a secret anymore, i have to let the cat out of the bag.. sooner or later, you all will find out and i think it's better you hear it from me instead of taking guesses and such..

Yes, i'm single.. once again.. after 4 years.. it all happened about 8 months ago.. he told me he wanted out from this relationship through skype.. i couldn't believed it.. i was shocked, begged him for another chance, tried to change my ways but it didn't work..

He was determined about it.. he came back to kl and we had a talk about it, and then he went off to work again.. i was left alone here with a 'broken' me.. my heart was shattered, devastated, angry, lost my sense of direction, hurt, betrayed, self pity, lost my appetite to eat and i was suicidal, losing the will to live.. i thought i couldn't live without him.. to me, it was like he took a knife, stabbed it straight to my heart, twisted it and left me bleed to death..

I used to think that he's 'the one'.. i wrote my blog with pride.. and THAT pride killed me.. i got carried away.. with his love back then and the lifestyle he gave me.. to be honest, i wasn't bragging.. not in the way i saw it.. i was just so in love.. he was the love of my life..

I gave him all of me.. but i can't blame him for what happened.. when there's a failed relationship/marriage, it will always be 2 people's fault.. i just want to hate him so much for what he had put me through BUT deep down inside me, i still loved him.. i still remember all the good times we had although it was just for a short while coz after some time, i realize that things started to change.. small changes.. but coz of my love for him was overwhelming, i decided to ignore it.. plus i accepted his explanation..

I didn't tell anyone about this.. keeping it all to myself.. i was 'dying' slowly and painfully.. not even my mum or his family knows.. i put up a happy face when i was back in penang for his grandma's birthday.. i started to change the way i was living.. getting a job, socializing (getting connected back with my friends)

Recently i just moved out.. we went to the lawyer and starting to sort things out.. i won't go into details as it's P & C.. it's an agreement between the 2 of us.. i'm still working as usual, hanging out with friends and started picking up the broken pieces of me.. i'm moving on finally and i'm thankful with all the support my friends and family have been giving me..as for my heart, he has completely shattered it.. day by day, i've been trying to mend it..

I know there will be alot of criticism about me and that it's my karma.. i'm not denying it, probably it is.. BUT tell me honestly, do i REALLY deserve all this pain? what have i done? did i get anyone hurt? did i kill anyone? yes, i had my pride.. i made mistakes.. i admit that.. in a way, i'm glad that all these happened.. coz it made me realize that money doesn't buy happiness.. i was covering my pain and sadness with all that shopping i did.. but at the end, i was still unhappy.. just like how you get drunk with alcohol but at the end of the day, the problem/issue still exist..

Lastly, i've learnt my lessons.. i must admit that i made mistakes and don't you think i deserve a second chance? a chance to be a better and stronger person.. i'm sure some of you are laughing your asses off.. thinking that i deserve all this as it's my karma.. but think about it, if you are laughing me right now, don't you think you'll get your karma back too? all i'm asking is to cut me some slack and i'd really appreciate it..

Thank you

15 comments:

Simon said...

Im so so sorry to hear what had happened.

The Mrs Blogs said...

I'm sure it must have been difficult to sit down and write this blog post. I dont think anyone should judge or say it's karma as these things do happen. What you can do is just learn from it and move on with life. You're a nice person deep down, that much I know and I know you will find true love again one day and be with someone who will cherish and love you for you. Take it easy babe *hugs*

米雪猪 said...

I'm quite frequent to read your blogs and..... this is a very shock news today to me! I'm very sorry to hear that...and i hope you will recover as soon as possible... Be strong!

Jerry said...

Hie there, I consider myself follows your blog occasionally. It's a shock to me on this update post of yours. I'm sorry to hear of what have happened. But, life have to go on. I can see you're opening yourself to a more social lifestyle which I think it's a good move. Ups and down are parts of life. Cheer up and stand strong, you will have better days ahead :)

Khalil said...

Hi,
Been following your blog since the day in friendster till here I guess is like about 5-6 years. Life always have up and down I wish you all the best in the future. Whatever it is family and friend will be always there with you. All the best in your future. Keep blogging your fan do eagerly

carrera said...

What was the small changes that you noticed along the way? Pls share with us so that we (girls) will learn from it.

:: Nicole.F :: said...

carrera: well for us, girls we do have this sense where things are just not the way it is.. am sure u are able to tell the signs ;) plus some signs aren't hard to tell when u get 'evidence'

Neo said...

Everything happens for a reason, and mostly a good reason. So carry on with ur life. You still have The One waiting for u, somewhere somehow :)

I was engaged last yea april and just broke my engagement last month, and I'm happy as ever :) it happened for a good reason too.

Cheer up !!

Neo said...

Asif here ...

Tony said...

I understand how you feel. Please take care.
Don't give up on yourself! There's still a lot of things you haven't do yet.

Tony Ang

Little Miss Curious said...

Hi sweetie,

I am sorry this happened. Don't blame yourself as it takes both sides and if there was something wrong, communication would have sorted it out...

I know how much pain you are in - I just got out of a horrible relationship as well. BUT you are strong and wise. Keep your chin up and build your life up.

Wishing you all the best.

Val said...

I am so very proud of you Nic !All you have to do is believe in yourself. You are a very strong woman; must stronger than I was. Keep it up. Stay in touch...call me when you can.

shermand said...

Just wanna to tell you that..
Be strong wif your better life..
WE (your loyal blog reader + supporter) r always wif you..

:: Nicole.F :: said...

thanks you all for your encouraging comforting words.. i'm actually doing quite well in putting my past behind.. but sometimes i can't help but look back.. probably it's a good thing as when i look back, i can learn from my mistakes :)

mun said...

Thank you for writing such a candid post and being honest to your readers (that's why we read your blog). Please don't blame yourself (as you kept mentioning "my mistakes" in your post. If he loves you as much as you love him, he would have given you another chance and have the commitment to work out the issues with you. Since he didn't do it, he is just not worthy of you. So just forget him and move on as you are doing right now. All the best!