am i doing it right this time?

It has been awhile since i last wrote anything related to my personal life and feelings.. the last time i did was way back in 2013 i think.. so does it mean i have become a lil more private person? haha.. waaaait.. i think in Jan 2015 i did mentioned i was seeing someone..

Actually between 2013 and 2014, i took almost a year off from relationship.. i was doing some soul searching and started to be a better person, for myself.. i was thinking back to all of my previous relationships and analyse it, where did it go wrong.. i refused to jump into another relationship when i wasn't ready to commit..

Then along came J.. didn't give much thought about him at first but as we hung out and spent more time together, i realise he's a great guy.. funny guy.. friends asked me to give it a try.. that it's time for me to be with someone, giving me and J a chance as i might not know if he will be the one.. to cut the story short, things didn't work out for us after 5 months.. i was really sad and devastated, partially it was my fault.. i just couldn't TRUST a guy.. i got depressed for about a month; not eating right, stuck at home, was in bed all day and night, staring at the ceiling and etc.. but i was lucky to have friends to talk to.. i bounced back pretty quick and then i realise, probably i didn't really love him..

Soon i was back in my circle of friends.. attended car group gatherings.. i just wanted to meet new people and be the happy-go-lucky nicole once again.. never once expected that after the night of the Skyline gathering, it was the beginning of a new 'journey' for me..

Friends were quite curious how it all started for the both of us.. and each time when i think back, i would have this silly smile on my face.. as though it was just yesterday :)

How it all started was very natural.. after the gathering, he hijacked a post between me and a guy friend of his on fb.. it turned out to a funny post.. then on friday, i saw he posted asking if anyone wanted to go for touge.. as i love cars, eventually i'd ask for 'taxi ride' in my friends car :P so as usual... i asked him!

Coincidentally we both stay quite near, like 10 mins away.. he came to pick me up.. we went up to Starbucks, Gohtong Jaya.. spent a few hours together just chatting.. from that night onwards, we started to text each other everyday and hanged out frequently.. getting to know each other.. things just took place naturally and on one of our usual nights as we were texting each other, the confession took place..

To be honest, i do not know how famous he is in the automotive industry or if he is like a car celebrity.. all i know is that i can be myself when i am with him, he makes me laugh with his silly jokes, we both been through shits, i understand what he went through and we share the same passion for cars..

It has been 3 months now since he popped the question asking me to be his gf.. i must admit, it has been a roller coster.. emotionally.. don't get me wrong.. its not coz we fight or argue.. just that there's something he need to work on on himself.. and i promised him that i would be there for him, through the good and bad..

It hasn't been easy on both of us.. but i just hope we could pull it through.. i do not know where will this relationship take us to.. i've learnt not to put too much expectation.. so i am taking a step at a time.. but of course, i'd want to spend my future with him.. we just got so many things to do together.. the things we planned, the places we both wants to go.. our bucket list.. he once said, i am already in his bucket *blush*

He is the only guy whom i could trust; someone who would actually not bother about his phone when he is spending time with me.. he has no idea how much he means to me.. all i want for him, is to be happy.. again.. genuinely happy.. even if it's without me..

If you are reading this b, just remember.. after rain comes the sun.. and i would be there waiting for you..

reflecting the past year...

My first post in 2015

It's 2.23am and i am sitting in front of my lappie, unable to sleep as there's just too much things going on in my head.. reflecting back to almost a year ago since i blogged, so many things had happened.. i went through joy, laughters, heartache, tears, disappointment, love, breakup and etc.. so much pain inflicted to my fragile heart.. BUT i don't wish that all these never happened coz whatever that happened, made me who i am today..

For the past year, i've gained some new friends and lost an old friend.. i found love but lost it after 6 months.. maybe we're just not meant to be.. it really shattered my fragile heart.. for the past 1 month i lost weight and dropped a dress size.. either i wasn't eating right OR not eating at all.. friends were concerned/worried.. cried to sleep almost everyday.. but eventually i snapped out from it with the help of my friends and mum.. i was hitting the gym almost everyday, dieting and started to take care of myself.. i got my confident back and picking up the pieces.. started to plan an online business.. doing research and etc.. found someone who would be interested to be my partner..

I got involved once again in motorsports.. attending car events, car clubs gathering and organising gathering for my own Fairlady Z club.. i met new people and soon we became friends.. i am the 'that one girl that always hangs out with the boys coz its less drama'.. the boys accepted me well in their group even i don't drive the same car as them :P oh well.. perhaps coz i am a girl! the perks of being the fairer sex.. haha

Then i met 'someone' during one of the car gathering.. that someone made me smile again.. not the normal smile, but the silly smile that i thought had once long gone.. things happened very naturally and i begin having butterflies in my tummy each time we met.. as i got to know him better, i realise our path crossed many times.. fate perhaps?

Soon it will be new year, the year of goat and i will be getting older by another year.. another year, wiser me? i do hope so..

*fingers crossed*

a good healthy relationship?

Ok, i think i have a fair share of my experience in relationships and on this post, i just want to share a few thoughts of mine on how to maintain and have a healthy relationship..

As all of you know, relationships are never easy.. be it with parents, family, friends, partner (gf/bf/wife/husband) and heck, sometimes even your dog.. most people think they can slack once they got the girl or guy.. hell no.. sometimes getting into a relationship is easy BUT no way, it is easy to maintain it.. 

Remember the time when you were just dating? all the courtship? the flowers? the dinners? the late night movies? the gateway? the giggles? the cuddles? the kisses? the brushing your hair? you GOTTA maintain it.. 

Yes, the communication, trust, and yada yada.. those are the fundamental things in a relationship.. but don't you forget, there are other things which are equally important as well..

What i've learnt.. you and your partner should have FUN together! don't just stick your lazy ass at home everyday.. take some days off and bring your partner out! yes, i know after a long day at work during the weekdays, you'd want to rest at home.. totally agree with it.. so plan.. or make time for 1 day of each weekend.. just go out, watch a movie or have a nice dinner or have a short roadtrip.. you can even visit your parents and spend time with either one family.. what i am saying is.. go out and date or have fun! for me, it would be lovely to go for roadtrips, play pool, cook, grocery shopping, go kart, attend a play, a stand up comedy, party or even learn salsa!

Secondly, you should go TRAVEL together! traveling is a good way to bond.. and both of you can visit places which you've never been before and create some new memories together.. you don't have to go far.. even by just visiting the island around malaysia, other states or visiting the neighbouring countries are good enough.. and if you got extra to spare, then you can go any part of the world that you want.. 

Thirdly, i believe it will be good IF you at least show some interest or support your partner's INTEREST

E.g.; i love cars and so does russ.. i love going out to the car gatherings with the boys.. i even sit there for hours listening to the boys talking about cars and never got bored.. also, when russ was going for his flying lessons, well.. i was there supporting him.. seating next to him when he does this studies and showing interest on it.. hence he was there talking, showing and explaining how a flight stimulator works to me!

When i was with C, i followed him to his pool session.. he is a dive master hence he teaches people to dive.. i joined him and his diving friends at meet ups.. while they were talking about diving and all, i sat there listening.. it was fun to learn new things.. and we all travel together for dive trips; even i don't dive i'd follow them out to the sea and do snorkelling..

IF you really don't like your partner's hobby or interest, whatever you do.. don't stop or try to change it.. if you can accept their interest at the early stage of the relationship, then why the hell you want them to stop or change? UNLESS if it brings harm to themselves or to you..

Forth, despite many people hate to argue.. i think having a healthy ARGUMENT is a good thing.. i don't mean you have to argue til your partner slam the door, or cry or yell and etc.. sometimes having a debate on things is a good way for you to understand each other more.. coz you tend to express yourself; your feelings and thoughts.. to me, if a couple doesn't argue or fight it either means that they both know each other too well OR they just don't bother anymore..

Fifth, KISSES and CUDDLES are IMPORTANT! some couple thinks that after a period of time, they don't even need to hold hands anymore.. it is a no-no.. especially for girls, we love to kiss and cuddle.. it gives us butterflies in our tummy.. stealing a peck out of the blue, puts a smile to our faces.. holding our hands makes us feel that you are proud to be seen with us.. 

Sixth, everyone needs some ALONE TIME.. some me time.. girls, you can't expect a guy to sit hours waiting while you do your mani and pedi or facial or hair.. some guys are willing to do so but some don't.. so cut them loose.. let them have a cup or coffee at starbucks or just lazying at home watching tv.. also, we need to have time with our own friends.. you can't just neglect friends when you have a bf and then when you're single, you find them.. don't take them for granted.. don't slot them in between so they can fill up your time while you look for a new bf.. 

Girls, also you have to understand that guys need their alone time to do some 'guys' stuff e.g.: basketball, computer / ps3 games, watching anime and etc..they need to unwind themselves too after a hard day at work.. 

For us girls, we do retail therapy! we need time to do our own things too e.g.: massage, pedi, mani, shopping, gossiping, taking selfies (hahaha)

Seventh, keeping a healthy SEX life is a way to maintain a good relationship.. you gotta spice it up a lil in the bedroom *wink* some women tend to think that giving pleasure to the husband is their 'job'.. it tends to get bored in the bedroom department if every time it is the same ol' thing (missionary).. haha.. buy some sexy lingerie or even costumes.. use whip cream or syrup.. or maybe ice *wink*

Guys, please do not reject your woman if she is feeling kinky.. i had that too many times with my ex and i felt unwanted and un-attractive.. it really got me thinking, what did i do wrong? why didn't he want me? is there other woman? is he gay? is it my problem? so yes, it brings down our confidence level and find ourselves not physically attractive :(

Eight, make sure you are at the same WAVELENGTH.. you have to 'walk' together.. e.g.; when i was with russ, i was stagnant for 4 years.. i was a housewife.. cut myself out from the world, the society.. i didn't know what was happening.. all i know was to take care of him (cook, clean the house, wash his clothes and etc) and spend as much time with him when he was back home.. lil did i realise, i fell off track.. soon he felt that he didn't need to share with me about his work, as he thinks that i won't understand..

What i am saying is, set a goal together.. 'walk' together through the journey.. always check on your partner.. what they think, how they feel, what is their opinion an etc.. be able to hold a conversation and talk about anything and everything.. don't be like the previous me.. living in my own lil world.. 

So yeah, i hope what i stated above could help you all.. you must be thinking, i am not qualify to give 'advices' since my past relationships are a failure, well.. let's just say i've learnt all these the hard way.. i have grown and got mature after the break ups.. learnt my mistakes.. and i hope, i would be able to handle my future relationship in a better way..

when will this end?

I don't usually open my heart up on my blog, but at this hour.. none of my friends are awake to talk to me..

I thought i was doing good.. after the divorced and break up, i tried to pick up the pieces.. went for short trips, hanging out with friends, getting occupied with the new house, going to the gym and even started cooking again BUT i instantly broke down in tears again, when i was being told by C that he is proposing to his new gf.. 

I was with C for almost 2 years.. and the 2 years wasn't smooth sailing, as usual in a relationships there were ups and downs.. i started to wonder, how can he said he loves me for almost 2 years, left me, started a new relationship in 2 months and now engaged?

Was i so blind to see that, the 'I love you' wasn't sincere? to me, when i said those 3 words, i will mean it.. i wiil stick with the person through thick and thin to overcome the relationship problems and NEVER call it quits.. a part of me is just so angry.. so angry at myself for falling too hard on a guy and treating them so nice til they took advantage of me..

In a relationship, i am not calculative.. i don't draw the line.. for instance, i don't expect the guy to pay for every meal.. if the guy needs something and low in cash to buy, i will buy it for him.. when the guy has financial problem, i will help him out.. and when the guy said he needs his rest during the weekends and doesn't want to see and have lunch/dinner with my mum, i will be fine with seeing my mum myself.. when the guy wants to stay home, i will keep in accompany.. and if the guy wants to eat at home, i will cook.. and i know how guys hate to clean the house, i will clean it WITHOUT complains.. when the guy has to travel frequently for work, i trusted him completely and won't disturb him with text messages..

My friends said that i am just too nice.. doing all the things that the guy wants and pampering him.. and that is when the guy will take advantage.. it just hurts so bad that i gave them my heart and what i got in return is a broken heart.. and also tears.. 

When will this pain go away?? will it ever go away?

does 'it' still exist?

I heard this over the radio the other

'What does a girl really want?

To find 1 guy who would prove to her that not all guys are the same'

I started dating when i was 18.. i started late coz my mum had been trying to protect me for the longest time.. especially when i was in secondary school.. she put me in an all girl's school and restricted me from having guy friends.. i had to be back home right after school or tuition and i can't go out during weekends with friends as she knew there will be boys.. my mum warned me about boys, that they will break my heart if i am not careful.. i didn't understand that time, why would she do that? i felt like a prisoner.. no freedom and no social life.. how i envied my friends having the freedom to go out..

When i started college, i had a crush on a guy.. i confessed to him AND thank god, he didn't run away from me! hahaha.. we're still friends til this very day :D

What i am trying to say that, i've seen, heard and went through too much.. now i am doubting, is there really true love out there? is there such thing as loyalty and faithfulness anymore?

As all you know, my heart had been broken way many times before.. got married, divorced, dated again and dumped.. from my own experience, the guys i've been with.. even they were attached to me, they would still flirt.. and some, they didn't even tell me that they had a gf besides me!

Now, i could feel that i no longer can trust a guy or someone.. i don't know if i can love again.. i've started to build walls around me.. even my friend said that it is so hard to get me to let her know what i am feeling.. i don't tend to easily open up anymore.. all my emotions i just lock it up.. i tried to cry inside, not letting anyone see.. especially my mum.. i feel that no one could understand me and what can they do? how are they gonna help me? will they judge me? criticise me? backstabbing behind my back and tell other people about my story, adding some 'spice' to it?

Recently i've came across so many stories.. not only guys cheated but girls as well.. 

For instance, a married woman cheated her husband with a MARRIED man; married men having mistresses; guys with gf flirts; women having toy boys; and etc..

Do love, loyalty and faithfulness still EXIST out there?

age is catching up?

I've been having this feeling for some time now.. sigh... i've seen my ex-schoolmates got married, delivered their 1st child and then the next and the next..

It got me thinking and having this mixed feelings.. my question is... do i want to be married / get into a serious relationship?.. again..

I actually loved getting married.. not of the marriage proposal or the lavish wedding or the honeymoon.. i just loved the commitment to someone i love.. to be able to call him my husband / hubby.. growing old with him, waking up beside him everyday, to know that he loves me back, and be loyal and faithful..

But since what happened, it really got me thinking.. do i still want to commit seriously and 100% to someone again? i don't know if i could take it again, to have my heart broken to pieces..

Sometimes i do wonder, should i follow my heart? or my mind? my mind keeps telling me to protect myself, that i do not need to go through another heartbreak, that i am doing good without a commitment.. but my heart is telling me differently..

Is it that my age is catching up? that my biological clock is ticking away.. and that scares me?? hmmmm.... i don't know.. i don't want to think about having kids first when i don't even know what i want..

So should i take a risk and open up for a relationship?

am i with the right partner?

Just found this on FB and had a read about it..

I totally agree with it.. what about you?

AM I WITH THE RIGHT PARTNER?

During a seminar, a woman asked," How do I know if I am with the right person?"

The author then noticed that there was a large man sitting next to her so he said, "It depends. Is that your partner?" In all seriousness, she answered "How do you know?" Let me answer this question because the chances are good that it's weighing on your mind replied the author. 

Here's the answer.

Every relationship has a cycle… In the beginning; you fall in love with your partner. You anticipate their calls, want their touch, and like their idiosyncrasies. Falling in love wasn't hard. In fact, it was a completely natural and spontaneous experience. You didn't have to DO anything. That's why it's called "falling" in love.

People in love sometimes say, "I was swept of my feet."Picture the expression. It implies that you were just standing there; doing nothing, and then something happened TO YOU.

Falling in love is a passive and spontaneous experience. But after a few months or years of being together, the euphoria of love fades. It's a natural cycle of EVERY relationship.

Slowly but surely, phone calls become a bother (if they come at all), touch is not always welcome (when it happens), and your spouse's idiosyncrasies, instead of being cute, drive you nuts. The symptoms of this stage vary with every relationship; you will notice a dramatic difference between the initial stage when you were in love and a much duller or even angry subsequent stage.

At this point, you and/or your partner might start asking, "Am I with the right person?" And as you reflect on the euphoria of the love you once had, you may begin to desire that experience with someone else. This is when relationships breakdown.

The key to succeeding in a relationship is not finding the right person; it's learning to love the person you found.

People blame their partners for their unhappiness and look outside for fulfillment. Extramarital fulfillment comes in all shapes and sizes.

Infidelity is the most common. But sometimes people turn to work, a hobby, friendship, excessive TV, or abusive substances. But the answer to this dilemma does NOT lie outside your relationship. It lies within it.

I'm not saying that you couldn't fall in love with someone else. You could. And TEMPORARILY you'd feel better. But you'd be in the same situation a few years later. 

Because (listen carefully to this):

The key to succeeding in a Relationship is not finding the right person; it's learning to love the Person you found.

SUSTAINING love is not a passive or spontaneous experience. You have to work on it day in and day out. It takes time, effort, and energy. And most importantly, it demands WISDOM. You have to know WHAT TO DO to make it work. Make no mistake about it.

Love is NOT a mystery. There are specific things you can do (with or without your partner), Just as there are physical laws Of the universe (such as gravity), there are also laws for relationships. If you know how to apply these laws, the results are predictable.

Love is therefore a "decision". Not just a feeling. Remember this always: God determines who walks into your life. It is up to you to decide who you let walk away, who you let stay, and who you refuse to let GO..

to love again?

For the past 7 years, my emotion was a roller coaster..

When i was with russ, i thought i was the luckiest and happiest girl on earth.. all people could see was the happy side of me.. like most relationship, of course there were fights and arguments.. just that i never told anyone except my mum who had seen me crying countless of times..

I'm not saying that it was all bad.. russ did loved me alot and we did have our happy times.. i was already dedicated my life to him but sadly, things did not worked out for us.. my whole world crumbled down when he said he was leaving.. i was devastated.. he was my everything for the past 4 years in our relationship.. i put him as my priority, which i later realized that i shouldn't..

With what had left in me, i was trying to move on.. i thought i'd never love again.. then later i found that i was still capable to have feelings for someone.. C was there for me when i was at the lowest of my life.. he didn't judge me, he accepted my past and he helped me back up to my feet.. he made me realize that i should live for myself, not for anyone else.. slowly i fell in love with him..

My heart was already shattered but i managed somehow to find a piece of it which still had hope, to love.. i was with C for 2 years and it also had its ups and downs.. it was hard for me to love and trust someone after russ, but C was patient enough.. i suffered depression after russ ended things with me, i was suicidal.. i know i was giving C a hard time and yet he stoodby me, which made me loved him more and more..

But history repeated itself once again, C left me.. this time, my heart didn't shattered.. he just took it away with him.. now i'm left with emptiness in me.. sometimes when i'm all alone, tears will be rolling down my cheeks.. i don't feel anything except the sadness in me..

I've tried to move on.. to work my ass off, to go on a holiday and even go out on dates.. but nothing works.. on the surface i do look happy, i do laugh BUT deep inside i'm fill with sadness..

Friends been asking me if i'd love again, all i could say is.. i don't think so.. not that i'm being negative but through my experiences, those whom i had loved will leave me eventually.. so why would i open my heart and risk of getting hurt again.. furthermore i'm not capable to love again as my heart just isn't here anymore..