Wednesday, November 21, 2012

to love again?

For the past 7 years, my emotion was a roller coaster..

When i was with russ, i thought i was the luckiest and happiest girl on earth.. all people could see was the happy side of me.. like most relationship, of course there were fights and arguments.. just that i never told anyone except my mum who had seen me crying countless of times..

I'm not saying that it was all bad.. russ did loved me alot and we did have our happy times.. i was already dedicated my life to him but sadly, things did not worked out for us.. my whole world crumbled down when he said he was leaving.. i was devastated.. he was my everything for the past 4 years in our relationship.. i put him as my priority, which i later realized that i shouldn't..

With what had left in me, i was trying to move on.. i thought i'd never love again.. then later i found that i was still capable to have feelings for someone.. C was there for me when i was at the lowest of my life.. he didn't judge me, he accepted my past and he helped me back up to my feet.. he made me realize that i should live for myself, not for anyone else.. slowly i fell in love with him..

My heart was already shattered but i managed somehow to find a piece of it which still had hope, to love.. i was with C for 2 years and it also had its ups and downs.. it was hard for me to love and trust someone after russ, but C was patient enough.. i suffered depression after russ ended things with me, i was suicidal.. i know i was giving C a hard time and yet he stoodby me, which made me loved him more and more..

But history repeated itself once again, C left me.. this time, my heart didn't shattered.. he just took it away with him.. now i'm left with emptiness in me.. sometimes when i'm all alone, tears will be rolling down my cheeks.. i don't feel anything except the sadness in me..

I've tried to move on.. to work my ass off, to go on a holiday and even go out on dates.. but nothing works.. on the surface i do look happy, i do laugh BUT deep inside i'm fill with sadness..

Friends been asking me if i'd love again, all i could say is.. i don't think so.. not that i'm being negative but through my experiences, those whom i had loved will leave me eventually.. so why would i open my heart and risk of getting hurt again.. furthermore i'm not capable to love again as my heart just isn't here anymore..


Grace said...

hi been reading ur blog on off for quite a while now. Just wanna tell u never to lose hope. one day you'll find love and it'll all make sense again :)

Wong C. Martin said...

Hi :) Take a read:-

Cheer up!

:: Nicole.F :: said...

grace : thanks for your advice :)

martin : thank you for the blog post :)

ab said...

been reading your blog since 2006..
u r such a cute n very pleasant girl i patient n believe in the way u smile..:)

:: Nicole.F :: said...

thanks ab, for being a loyal reader :) and thank you for the compliment *blush*

Val said...

The human heart is a wonderful piece of equipment. It shatters, then it mends and it may shatter again and again. But every time, it will mend and it will heal. Don't give up and NEVER say never. The man who finally finds you, will be the luckiest man and when that happen, you will once again feel like the luckiest gal !